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Thursday
March 11, 2010 Since 1922 |
The truth is out there
By Luke Hales
Published October 27, 2009 They’re on to me.
I don’t know how they found me, but they did. I see them everywhere. No matter where I look, where I turn, they’re there.
Who are “they,” you ask?
I will explain.
While I’m not a big believer in conspiracy theories, I am a willing advocate of the idea that there’s more to every story than what we’re told. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about; The Kennedy assassination, UFOs, Twinkie ingredients — there are things we’re not told.
However, that being established, “they” started paying attention to my columns lately, because “they” knew that eventually I would get around to this one, and “they” aren’t pleased. See, “they” would rather I didn’t reveal the information I’m about to reveal, and pretty soon “they’re” gonna come get me and make me sit through three solid weeks of time-share presentations.
Apparently water-boarding wasn’t good enough for “them.”
But before that happens, I think I have time to get these facts into the public. If you don’t hear from me again, then at least you now know the truth.
Michael Jackson isn’t dead.
There was already some speculation when Jackson apparently moon-walked off this mortal coil some months back. A video made the rounds on the Internet that allegedly showed Jackson climbing out the back of a coroner’s van. But that’s not what happened.
Along with his partners-in-weird, Mikey concocted a brilliant plan. He faked his death, see, and disappeared from public view.
Well, sort of.
See, now he’s in Las Vegas in a stage show. He’s impersonating himself.
You might think it’s crazy, but it makes perfect sense. If you really wanted to hide, why not do it in plain sight?
The best part of the story? He’s not even considered the best Michael Jackson impersonator.
Neither is Elvis.
Yeah, yeah, I know. This one’s been done before. It’s old and tired. But everyone’s got it wrong until now.
See, Elvis faked his death, too. He got sick of the public attention and scrutiny, and so he picked what may be the most humiliating way to die ever — on the toilet. He figured that something like that would totally throw everyone off the trail.
He was partially right. There are plenty of non-believers out there who maintain he’s still among us. And he is. But all these Elvis “sightings” are staged as well.
Here’s the deal: Elvis took a whole bunch of his dough and hired every half-decent Elvis impersonator he could find at the annual Elvis Impersonator Conference two years after he supposedly expired. His only orders? Go do stuff and look like me at the same time.
So then, where is the King now?
He’s in Las Vegas, impersonating Michael Jackson.
Poorly.
Again … who’d look there? A perfect hiding spot, if ever there was one.
UFOs are real.
They are. I mean it.
Don’t believe me?
How about “Balloon Boy”? You read the stories. If that plan had gone off without a hitch, is there any doubt that it would have drawn more attention to the UFO phenomenon? That dad is in serious need of parental training, but I know what he was up to.
He knows UFOs exist, but instead of doing the right thing and just letting it lie, the dope made up this scheme so everyone would know the truth.
But again, as always, there’s more than meets the eye.
He got it wrong, too, I’m afraid.
UFOs are exactly what people say they are; flying things that no one can recognize. And yes, they’re piloted by strange-looking characters that frighten small children and make for excellent science fiction fodder.
But it’s not an alien at the wheel.
It’s a Michael Jackson impersonator.
A secret society controls the whole world
It’s absolutely, completely true. You wouldn’t think it, considering how many freak accidents and natural disasters and stuff happen all the time, but there is, in fact, a shadowy cabal keeping the world going.
And it’s exactly who you’d think. Unless you thought it was the Freemasons, the Bilderbergs, the Skull and Bones, or one of those other usual suspects.
In fact, it’s representatives from McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target, and several other corporate giants. They meet once a year in Hoboken, New Jersey, inside an abandoned paint thinner factory. It’s not like they’re some evil organization with some insidious plot, though. Mostly they sit around watching ESPN and eating Frito pie (Oh, yeah … I forgot, Frito-Lay’s got someone there too. He brings a LOT of Fritos.). They eventually get around to the annual Earth budget, and schedule dates for upcoming events.
Then they have a big slumber party with footie pajamas and s’mores and scary movies and stuff.
No impersonators here, Michael Jackson or otherwise. But they do play charades, which is kind of like being an impersonator, I guess.
The phone book has the secret
I didn’t know this one until a guy on the corner shouted it to me one night. He was leaning against a stoplight post, minding his own business and drinking something from a glass bottle, until I drove past. Out of nowhere, I heard it.
“THE PHONE BOOK HAS THE SECRET!”
Because I’m all about freaks and weirdos, naturally I had to turn around and go talk to the guy.
And it turns out he was right.
See, if you go into the Yellow Pages and circle every other letter in the “R” listings, the key to understanding all the mysteries of life is written out plain as day. I’ll save you the trouble, however, and just tell you. It’s
THANK YOU FOR READING THE BAYTOWN SUN. THERE ARE NO SECRETS. EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE. GO ABOUT YOUR NORMAL BUSINESS. HAVE A NICE DAY.
SINCERELY,
“THEY.”
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.
Published October 27, 2009 They’re on to me.
I don’t know how they found me, but they did. I see them everywhere. No matter where I look, where I turn, they’re there.
Who are “they,” you ask?
I will explain.
While I’m not a big believer in conspiracy theories, I am a willing advocate of the idea that there’s more to every story than what we’re told. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about; The Kennedy assassination, UFOs, Twinkie ingredients — there are things we’re not told.
However, that being established, “they” started paying attention to my columns lately, because “they” knew that eventually I would get around to this one, and “they” aren’t pleased. See, “they” would rather I didn’t reveal the information I’m about to reveal, and pretty soon “they’re” gonna come get me and make me sit through three solid weeks of time-share presentations.
Apparently water-boarding wasn’t good enough for “them.”
But before that happens, I think I have time to get these facts into the public. If you don’t hear from me again, then at least you now know the truth.
Michael Jackson isn’t dead.
There was already some speculation when Jackson apparently moon-walked off this mortal coil some months back. A video made the rounds on the Internet that allegedly showed Jackson climbing out the back of a coroner’s van. But that’s not what happened.
Along with his partners-in-weird, Mikey concocted a brilliant plan. He faked his death, see, and disappeared from public view.
Well, sort of.
See, now he’s in Las Vegas in a stage show. He’s impersonating himself.
You might think it’s crazy, but it makes perfect sense. If you really wanted to hide, why not do it in plain sight?
The best part of the story? He’s not even considered the best Michael Jackson impersonator.
Neither is Elvis.
Yeah, yeah, I know. This one’s been done before. It’s old and tired. But everyone’s got it wrong until now.
See, Elvis faked his death, too. He got sick of the public attention and scrutiny, and so he picked what may be the most humiliating way to die ever — on the toilet. He figured that something like that would totally throw everyone off the trail.
He was partially right. There are plenty of non-believers out there who maintain he’s still among us. And he is. But all these Elvis “sightings” are staged as well.
Here’s the deal: Elvis took a whole bunch of his dough and hired every half-decent Elvis impersonator he could find at the annual Elvis Impersonator Conference two years after he supposedly expired. His only orders? Go do stuff and look like me at the same time.
So then, where is the King now?
He’s in Las Vegas, impersonating Michael Jackson.
Poorly.
Again … who’d look there? A perfect hiding spot, if ever there was one.
UFOs are real.
They are. I mean it.
Don’t believe me?
How about “Balloon Boy”? You read the stories. If that plan had gone off without a hitch, is there any doubt that it would have drawn more attention to the UFO phenomenon? That dad is in serious need of parental training, but I know what he was up to.
He knows UFOs exist, but instead of doing the right thing and just letting it lie, the dope made up this scheme so everyone would know the truth.
But again, as always, there’s more than meets the eye.
He got it wrong, too, I’m afraid.
UFOs are exactly what people say they are; flying things that no one can recognize. And yes, they’re piloted by strange-looking characters that frighten small children and make for excellent science fiction fodder.
But it’s not an alien at the wheel.
It’s a Michael Jackson impersonator.
A secret society controls the whole world
It’s absolutely, completely true. You wouldn’t think it, considering how many freak accidents and natural disasters and stuff happen all the time, but there is, in fact, a shadowy cabal keeping the world going.
And it’s exactly who you’d think. Unless you thought it was the Freemasons, the Bilderbergs, the Skull and Bones, or one of those other usual suspects.
In fact, it’s representatives from McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target, and several other corporate giants. They meet once a year in Hoboken, New Jersey, inside an abandoned paint thinner factory. It’s not like they’re some evil organization with some insidious plot, though. Mostly they sit around watching ESPN and eating Frito pie (Oh, yeah … I forgot, Frito-Lay’s got someone there too. He brings a LOT of Fritos.). They eventually get around to the annual Earth budget, and schedule dates for upcoming events.
Then they have a big slumber party with footie pajamas and s’mores and scary movies and stuff.
No impersonators here, Michael Jackson or otherwise. But they do play charades, which is kind of like being an impersonator, I guess.
The phone book has the secret
I didn’t know this one until a guy on the corner shouted it to me one night. He was leaning against a stoplight post, minding his own business and drinking something from a glass bottle, until I drove past. Out of nowhere, I heard it.
“THE PHONE BOOK HAS THE SECRET!”
Because I’m all about freaks and weirdos, naturally I had to turn around and go talk to the guy.
And it turns out he was right.
See, if you go into the Yellow Pages and circle every other letter in the “R” listings, the key to understanding all the mysteries of life is written out plain as day. I’ll save you the trouble, however, and just tell you. It’s
THANK YOU FOR READING THE BAYTOWN SUN. THERE ARE NO SECRETS. EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE. GO ABOUT YOUR NORMAL BUSINESS. HAVE A NICE DAY.
SINCERELY,
“THEY.”
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.