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Saturday
March 20, 2010 Since 1922 |
How not to be killed by an axe murderer
By Luke Hales
Published October 22, 2009 Still writing Halloween columns. See Jane over there to the left? She wrote one today too. Looks like I’m going to have to write on the fly, since she stole my topic.
Hmmm …
Okay. I got it.
I’ve never been a huge fan of horror movies. I understand their purpose; we human types have to get fear out of our systems on occasion. We build up all sorts of stress and tension, and watching something scary helps us relieve some of that.
I notice, as have most of you I’m sure, that the genre has gone away from real creepiness to what amounts to a lesson in anatomy. As the years have passed, we’ve gone from masterpieces like Hitchcock’s “Psycho” and “The Birds” to … well … “Saw.”
I never saw “Saw.” I really have no desire to see “Saw.” If you saw “Saw,” then surely when you saw “Saw,” you thought to yourself, “Gee, it’s fun to say I saw ‘Saw.’”
I can’t think of any other redeeming values other than that silliness.
They’re not even spooky anymore. These movies are just gross. I didn’t have to see “Saw” (Last time, I promise) to know what it was about; a bunch of people have to cut off legs and inflict pain on themselves to escape some weird torture device.
I’m assuming that these movies are perceived as scary because they take on a more realistic tone. You know, real life dangers, like somehow ending up as the prisoner of some clown-faced dude that likes to watch people mutilate themselves. I don’t know anyone like this personally, but they obviously exist. Hollywood is full of upstanding and truthful citizens, everything in the movies is real, and all the stuff on the Internet has been verified for accuracy.
Okay, that was a little much even for me.
Now then, assuming that these movies are, in fact, meant to utilize reality as a catalyst for screams, perhaps it would benefit us all to have a basic primer on how to handle such situations, a survival guide in the most literal sense.
• When in doubt, don’t go upstairs/outside/into the dark room with the serial killer
This really shouldn’t take that much explanation. If you’re babysitting or traipsing through an abandoned slaughterhouse or something, if you have a feeling there may be someone or something in your general waiting to kill you, don’t go into the area where you think the threat is. If spooky music starts playing, you might want to consider moving away from the threat zone quickly. Like, in a mad dash.
• Stay out of haunted places
Again, self-explanatory. You see way too many movies where some dope decides it would be a great idea to explore that place where that guy died but is supposed to still linger, waiting for his next victim. Even Washington Irving made this clear: If you’re in Sleepy Hollow, don’t go where the Headless Horseman hangs out. It’s just common sense, really. If you must, for whatever reason, travel into a haunted place, take several heavily armed individuals, a priest, and a Sherman tank. That should cover whatever’s out there. You may substitute a rabbi, should a priest not be available or the specific specter is believed to be Jewish.
• Drive a reliable vehicle
This is the oldest trick in the book. You’re running from a horde of zombies or a machete-wielding maniac, you get to your car, and even though it worked perfectly fine five minutes ago, now it won’t start. How convenient.
Make sure your car is in decent condition. This is a good rule of thumb at all times, but even more so when being hunted by the Demon of the Delicatessen or whatever.
• Watch your step
We see this pretty often as well. A maniac clown chases some poor schmuck through a parking lot or a field or an airplane hanger, and no matter what kind of head start said schmuck has, if they trip and fall they’re done for. It’s like they land in a big puddle of melted Gummi Bears and can’t move; well, either that or they start believing in existentialist philosophy and decide that life itself is absurd and thus not worth living.
Seriously, just get up and run already.
• Do not watch strange videotapes
This really only applies to one situation. See, in one of those Japanese remake movies, there’s a video going around, and if you watch it this creepy girl climbs out of your TV and kills you. This should be a pretty easy rule to follow, seeing as most people don’t use VCRs that often. I guess this should also apply to unlabeled DVDs that mysteriously show up on your doorstep. It’s either that, or it’s the Dianetics video. Either way, leave it alone.
• Behave accordingly
If you watch some of the old scary movies from the 80s, the victims were always teenagers engaged in some sort of hooliganism or tomfoolery, or on occasion shenanigans. Most times this involved alcohol, drugs, or becoming rather well-acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. Put simply, if you’re at a summer camp reputed to be the home of a serial killer (Oh … and by the way, parents, don’t send your kid to a summer camp reputed to be the home of a serial killer. Sure, it builds character, but come on …), and the counselors have all gone to bed, DON’T stay awake outside drinking beer and making out with people. You’re just asking for trouble. And apparently serial killers take strong moral stances on such things. Beheading people? No biggie. But put down just one Miller Lite …
This should get you started. You’ll have to work out the rest on your own, I’m afraid.
Good luck with that.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.
Published October 22, 2009 Still writing Halloween columns. See Jane over there to the left? She wrote one today too. Looks like I’m going to have to write on the fly, since she stole my topic.
Hmmm …
Okay. I got it.
I’ve never been a huge fan of horror movies. I understand their purpose; we human types have to get fear out of our systems on occasion. We build up all sorts of stress and tension, and watching something scary helps us relieve some of that.
I notice, as have most of you I’m sure, that the genre has gone away from real creepiness to what amounts to a lesson in anatomy. As the years have passed, we’ve gone from masterpieces like Hitchcock’s “Psycho” and “The Birds” to … well … “Saw.”
I never saw “Saw.” I really have no desire to see “Saw.” If you saw “Saw,” then surely when you saw “Saw,” you thought to yourself, “Gee, it’s fun to say I saw ‘Saw.’”
I can’t think of any other redeeming values other than that silliness.
They’re not even spooky anymore. These movies are just gross. I didn’t have to see “Saw” (Last time, I promise) to know what it was about; a bunch of people have to cut off legs and inflict pain on themselves to escape some weird torture device.
I’m assuming that these movies are perceived as scary because they take on a more realistic tone. You know, real life dangers, like somehow ending up as the prisoner of some clown-faced dude that likes to watch people mutilate themselves. I don’t know anyone like this personally, but they obviously exist. Hollywood is full of upstanding and truthful citizens, everything in the movies is real, and all the stuff on the Internet has been verified for accuracy.
Okay, that was a little much even for me.
Now then, assuming that these movies are, in fact, meant to utilize reality as a catalyst for screams, perhaps it would benefit us all to have a basic primer on how to handle such situations, a survival guide in the most literal sense.
• When in doubt, don’t go upstairs/outside/into the dark room with the serial killer
This really shouldn’t take that much explanation. If you’re babysitting or traipsing through an abandoned slaughterhouse or something, if you have a feeling there may be someone or something in your general waiting to kill you, don’t go into the area where you think the threat is. If spooky music starts playing, you might want to consider moving away from the threat zone quickly. Like, in a mad dash.
• Stay out of haunted places
Again, self-explanatory. You see way too many movies where some dope decides it would be a great idea to explore that place where that guy died but is supposed to still linger, waiting for his next victim. Even Washington Irving made this clear: If you’re in Sleepy Hollow, don’t go where the Headless Horseman hangs out. It’s just common sense, really. If you must, for whatever reason, travel into a haunted place, take several heavily armed individuals, a priest, and a Sherman tank. That should cover whatever’s out there. You may substitute a rabbi, should a priest not be available or the specific specter is believed to be Jewish.
• Drive a reliable vehicle
This is the oldest trick in the book. You’re running from a horde of zombies or a machete-wielding maniac, you get to your car, and even though it worked perfectly fine five minutes ago, now it won’t start. How convenient.
Make sure your car is in decent condition. This is a good rule of thumb at all times, but even more so when being hunted by the Demon of the Delicatessen or whatever.
• Watch your step
We see this pretty often as well. A maniac clown chases some poor schmuck through a parking lot or a field or an airplane hanger, and no matter what kind of head start said schmuck has, if they trip and fall they’re done for. It’s like they land in a big puddle of melted Gummi Bears and can’t move; well, either that or they start believing in existentialist philosophy and decide that life itself is absurd and thus not worth living.
Seriously, just get up and run already.
• Do not watch strange videotapes
This really only applies to one situation. See, in one of those Japanese remake movies, there’s a video going around, and if you watch it this creepy girl climbs out of your TV and kills you. This should be a pretty easy rule to follow, seeing as most people don’t use VCRs that often. I guess this should also apply to unlabeled DVDs that mysteriously show up on your doorstep. It’s either that, or it’s the Dianetics video. Either way, leave it alone.
• Behave accordingly
If you watch some of the old scary movies from the 80s, the victims were always teenagers engaged in some sort of hooliganism or tomfoolery, or on occasion shenanigans. Most times this involved alcohol, drugs, or becoming rather well-acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. Put simply, if you’re at a summer camp reputed to be the home of a serial killer (Oh … and by the way, parents, don’t send your kid to a summer camp reputed to be the home of a serial killer. Sure, it builds character, but come on …), and the counselors have all gone to bed, DON’T stay awake outside drinking beer and making out with people. You’re just asking for trouble. And apparently serial killers take strong moral stances on such things. Beheading people? No biggie. But put down just one Miller Lite …
This should get you started. You’ll have to work out the rest on your own, I’m afraid.
Good luck with that.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.