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Saturday
March 20, 2010 Since 1922 |
A side of brains, please
By Luke Hales
Published October 20, 2009 So here we are yet again with the Halloween columns. I’ve only got three left after this one, so I’ve got to make them count. I promise, after Halloween, I’ll move on to other topics.
Which would make sense, really, because nobody wants to read about zombie turkeys.
Speaking of zombies (Like that segue? I did that on purpose.) …
I’ve written before about my fascination with zombies (I did it in like March, which didn’t make a lot of sense at the time but it’s too late now), and it still holds true.
Everybody has their favorite spooky creatures; for lots of teenage girls (and, apparently, their moms), vampires are the new hotness. It’s all because of that “Twilight” business. I can’t really jump on that bandwagon, because vampires aren’t supposed to sparkle. These vampires sparkle in direct sunlight. Vampires are supposed to burn in sunlight. This sparkling business is ridiculous. End of discussion.
Werewolves? At least the story’s pretty consistent. You get bitten, and if you don’t die then when full moons come around you have a back hair problem and run around trying to eat people. It’s kind of like playing “Tag,” I guess, but you really, REALLY don’t want to be ‘It.”
Basically, here’s the deal. For many of the usual suspects, you have to go find the monster. You go to Dracula’s Castle, you hunt down the Werewolf, you travel to the haunted mansion. And, to be frank, if you choose to go there and risk being bitten or eaten or whatever, that’s kind of your own problem.
Now, let’s say you just sat down for a lovely Thanksgiving meal with your family, you say grace, you go to carve the turkey and all of a sudden it leaps up and tries to eat YOU (I can’t believe I did it! I worked zombie turkeys into a column! I am so proud, and yet so disappointed that this was actually a goal for me. But Mama always said you had to aim for something, so … ). Then out of nowhere a horde of undead former neighbors come knocking on the door like the biggest, meanest crew of AmWay salesman ever to exist. Pretty soon you’re all scrambling for cover while the guy with the turkey carver tries to fend them off, but as we all know, the cords on those things only reach so far, and …
You get the picture. That’s why zombies are scary. You don’t have to find them. They come find you.
There’s something really unsettling about these nasty-looking people eaters. For starters, they carry some sort of a virus, so they’re ultimately gigantic rats. Then there’s the fact that they lack any sort of hygiene, which probably means their breath is not great. Mainly, though, they want to eat you, which is rude.
Why, then, of all the weirdos and creepers and whatnot would I choose zombies as my main monster? Simple. Like the old comic strip said, “I have seen the enemy, and they is us.”
When you look at a zombie, you’re looking at the end of humanity, a sea of filthy, disgusting vermin that used to serve you coffee at Starbucks and give you the news on the radio. They used to be the annoying telemarketers and the nosy neighbors who had all the gossip. They were the actors who entertained you with your evening sitcoms and the pro athletes you cheered for.
And now they want to eat you.
Spooooooky.
Now, all that hideousness being established, there are some benefits to a zombie apocalypse. Seriously. I know it seems strange, but when you really think about it, everything in life has an up side and a down side.
• Your commute is going to substantially diminish in time. You’ll be able to get to the office right when you expected, as opposed to when that wreck gets cleared or the traffic dies down. Of course, this is all dependent on how many abandoned cars are in the roadway, but with a little effort you can figure it out.
• Your day at the office is basically as flexible as you want it to be. There won’t be any emails to check, there won’t be any mandatory staff meetings, and there won’t be anyone calling to sell you anything (The telemarketers are zombies, remember?). You can go home when you feel like it, as long as there’s no zombies in the stairwell. I’m pretty sure the elevator won’t work.
• Everything you do will be a chance to become more physically fit. From running away from the mass zombie herd to building defenses, it will all lead to those toned abs you’ve been meaning to get around to.
• And, of course, there won’t be any more reality shows, meaning you’ll get back all those hours you wasted on them.
Look, we lived through Hurricane Ike last year, and we came out okay. I can’t imagine a zombie problem being that much worse, as long as we work together like we did then. Sure, no one tried to chew through your skull, but we did have to eat MREs, which is kind of the same thing. And we did just fine without power or water for all those hot, humid days. Just get out those window boards, stock up on batteries (and ammunition) and close the garage door. Us Gulf Coast folks might do better than anybody else.
Of course, there’s no chance of a zombie outbreak any time soon. Everyone knows that.
But you watch that Swine Flu. I won’t say I told you so, but …
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor of The Baytown Sun. He wants to remind all his readers that October is Zombie Awareness Month.
Published October 20, 2009 So here we are yet again with the Halloween columns. I’ve only got three left after this one, so I’ve got to make them count. I promise, after Halloween, I’ll move on to other topics.
Which would make sense, really, because nobody wants to read about zombie turkeys.
Speaking of zombies (Like that segue? I did that on purpose.) …
I’ve written before about my fascination with zombies (I did it in like March, which didn’t make a lot of sense at the time but it’s too late now), and it still holds true.
Everybody has their favorite spooky creatures; for lots of teenage girls (and, apparently, their moms), vampires are the new hotness. It’s all because of that “Twilight” business. I can’t really jump on that bandwagon, because vampires aren’t supposed to sparkle. These vampires sparkle in direct sunlight. Vampires are supposed to burn in sunlight. This sparkling business is ridiculous. End of discussion.
Werewolves? At least the story’s pretty consistent. You get bitten, and if you don’t die then when full moons come around you have a back hair problem and run around trying to eat people. It’s kind of like playing “Tag,” I guess, but you really, REALLY don’t want to be ‘It.”
Basically, here’s the deal. For many of the usual suspects, you have to go find the monster. You go to Dracula’s Castle, you hunt down the Werewolf, you travel to the haunted mansion. And, to be frank, if you choose to go there and risk being bitten or eaten or whatever, that’s kind of your own problem.
Now, let’s say you just sat down for a lovely Thanksgiving meal with your family, you say grace, you go to carve the turkey and all of a sudden it leaps up and tries to eat YOU (I can’t believe I did it! I worked zombie turkeys into a column! I am so proud, and yet so disappointed that this was actually a goal for me. But Mama always said you had to aim for something, so … ). Then out of nowhere a horde of undead former neighbors come knocking on the door like the biggest, meanest crew of AmWay salesman ever to exist. Pretty soon you’re all scrambling for cover while the guy with the turkey carver tries to fend them off, but as we all know, the cords on those things only reach so far, and …
You get the picture. That’s why zombies are scary. You don’t have to find them. They come find you.
There’s something really unsettling about these nasty-looking people eaters. For starters, they carry some sort of a virus, so they’re ultimately gigantic rats. Then there’s the fact that they lack any sort of hygiene, which probably means their breath is not great. Mainly, though, they want to eat you, which is rude.
Why, then, of all the weirdos and creepers and whatnot would I choose zombies as my main monster? Simple. Like the old comic strip said, “I have seen the enemy, and they is us.”
When you look at a zombie, you’re looking at the end of humanity, a sea of filthy, disgusting vermin that used to serve you coffee at Starbucks and give you the news on the radio. They used to be the annoying telemarketers and the nosy neighbors who had all the gossip. They were the actors who entertained you with your evening sitcoms and the pro athletes you cheered for.
And now they want to eat you.
Spooooooky.
Now, all that hideousness being established, there are some benefits to a zombie apocalypse. Seriously. I know it seems strange, but when you really think about it, everything in life has an up side and a down side.
• Your commute is going to substantially diminish in time. You’ll be able to get to the office right when you expected, as opposed to when that wreck gets cleared or the traffic dies down. Of course, this is all dependent on how many abandoned cars are in the roadway, but with a little effort you can figure it out.
• Your day at the office is basically as flexible as you want it to be. There won’t be any emails to check, there won’t be any mandatory staff meetings, and there won’t be anyone calling to sell you anything (The telemarketers are zombies, remember?). You can go home when you feel like it, as long as there’s no zombies in the stairwell. I’m pretty sure the elevator won’t work.
• Everything you do will be a chance to become more physically fit. From running away from the mass zombie herd to building defenses, it will all lead to those toned abs you’ve been meaning to get around to.
• And, of course, there won’t be any more reality shows, meaning you’ll get back all those hours you wasted on them.
Look, we lived through Hurricane Ike last year, and we came out okay. I can’t imagine a zombie problem being that much worse, as long as we work together like we did then. Sure, no one tried to chew through your skull, but we did have to eat MREs, which is kind of the same thing. And we did just fine without power or water for all those hot, humid days. Just get out those window boards, stock up on batteries (and ammunition) and close the garage door. Us Gulf Coast folks might do better than anybody else.
Of course, there’s no chance of a zombie outbreak any time soon. Everyone knows that.
But you watch that Swine Flu. I won’t say I told you so, but …
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor of The Baytown Sun. He wants to remind all his readers that October is Zombie Awareness Month.