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Tuesday
March 16, 2010 Since 1922 |
What are you wearing?
By Luke Hales
Published October 15, 2009 Y’all miss me Tuesday? Sorry about that. I was a little tied up over here at the paper, and didn’t get a chance to write anything decent. Mind you, I did try, but I certainly wasn’t about to deliver a product of lesser quality than what you’re all used to.
Of course, that in mind, I could have just strung a bunch of random words together and it would have met my usual standard. I’ve done it before, anyway.
Also, can I just say how glad I am to hear from the president of my fan club, Ms. Gladys Adcox? Turns out she’s been laid up with a hip injury. I thought she had moved on to a younger, wittier columnist. Glad you’re doing better, Gladys. I’ve missed you.
So then …
Still writing Halloween tributes. Just a few short weeks left, you know.
I went shopping with a buddy for their Halloween costume last weekend. We ventured from Baytown to Webster to Seabrook in search of all the pieces, and though a crucial part was still lacking, the majority of the getup was gotten. But, like usual, random thoughts entered my brain. The following is the drivel that said thoughts produced.
I mentioned last week one of the best costumes I’ve ever put on for the season — the Quaker Oatmeal Monster. That one was frightening, and painful, and would take too long to explain again, but suffice it to say that smearing oats on your face makes for quite a sight.
It seems like costumes have become less about terror and more about irony these days. Well, that and general skankiness, anyway. Walk through a Halloween store and check out the options available for ladies: naughty nurse, naughty Goldilocks, naughty maid, and — get this — naughty ladybugs. Of course, there’s always the standards; Grim Reaper, clown, pirate, etc.
What these costumes lack is originality. Sure, they’re prepackaged and available for a modest sum, but with a little effort it’s easy to trump all the standard fare.
Here’s a list of Halloween apparel that I personally think could fill anyone with fright, and the best part is you save a trip to the store.
By the way, Halloween store people, I mean no offense. I assure you, not enough people read my column to greatly affect your sales.
Anyway, here goes the ...
LIST OF REALLY TERRIFYING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES:
• Gordon Ramsey: This is the British chef guy from “Hell’s Kitchen.” All you need is a white chef outfit, a couple of fake knives and a really, really nasty attitude. Walk around with a scowl and swear like a sailor. Say things like this:
“These Snickers bars are absolutely terrible. You are banned from handing out candy.”
“What are you supposed to be, a ninja? That costume looks ridiculous. Go home and cry.”
“Who told you those yard decorations were appropriate? They’re pathetic. You should take them down and be ashamed until Thanksgiving.”
See how easy that is?
• Ann Coulter: I don’t care if you agree with her politics or not, this lady is scary. You need a conservative business suit, heavy makeup and a judgmental nature. If you don’t have one (the judgmental attitude, not the suit), pretend like you do. Ideally the Ann Coulter costume could be paired with the Gordon Ramsey costume, though if you really want it to work, put a woman in the Ramsey gear and a guy in the Coulter suit.
Wait. Don’t do that. That’s a terrible idea.
• Mr. Rogers: I loved “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” as a kid. The most exciting part was when he threw his shoe from one hand to the other; you sat in anticipation every time, waiting for that one episode when HE WOULD DROP THE SHOE! Of course, it never happened, but you never knew.
Get a cardigan, some old-school P.F. Flyer –looking sneakers, and part your hair on the side. Go to each house on your block and say, “Howdy, neighbor. Wanna come to the Land of Make-Believe?” I bet you don’t get any candy at all. The police might get called too. Bonus.
• Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams: Do you really need a description? In fact, you could just wear regular clothes and tell people you were the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams. They probably wouldn’t scream, but they’d laugh. A LOT. A variation would be to tell people you play shortstop for the Washington Nationals. Same result expected.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: Make no mistake — I think Chuck Norris is awesome. But this show was a terrible idea, with terrible plotlines and a really, really bad theme song. Clothing should include a long jacket, Wranglers, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and a really awful fake red beard. The beard should be awful simply to add a sense of panache. Panache, you say? Indeed. Without that you might as well be Garth Brooks, which, come to think of it, might not be bad either.
• The Tooth Decay Fairy: This will take some work. Get a gigantic piece of Styrofoam and shape it into a molar. Prowl the streets with a stack of photos of rotten teeth, tell children the dangers of eating sugar, and give away dental floss. Inform them that if they don’t brush their teeth seven times a day you’ll come to their bedroom while they sleep and take their teeth — forcibly — from their mouths. Their parents will thank you.
Wait. No they won’t. They’ll curse you for months because their kids are trying to stay awake and compulsively flossing for hours at a time.
Okay, this is a short list, but one that promises results. Whatever you choose for your Halloween gear, have fun and be careful.
Oh … if anyone wants info on the Quaker Oatmeal Monster, email me. I’ll give you the recipe.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.
Published October 15, 2009 Y’all miss me Tuesday? Sorry about that. I was a little tied up over here at the paper, and didn’t get a chance to write anything decent. Mind you, I did try, but I certainly wasn’t about to deliver a product of lesser quality than what you’re all used to.
Of course, that in mind, I could have just strung a bunch of random words together and it would have met my usual standard. I’ve done it before, anyway.
Also, can I just say how glad I am to hear from the president of my fan club, Ms. Gladys Adcox? Turns out she’s been laid up with a hip injury. I thought she had moved on to a younger, wittier columnist. Glad you’re doing better, Gladys. I’ve missed you.
So then …
Still writing Halloween tributes. Just a few short weeks left, you know.
I went shopping with a buddy for their Halloween costume last weekend. We ventured from Baytown to Webster to Seabrook in search of all the pieces, and though a crucial part was still lacking, the majority of the getup was gotten. But, like usual, random thoughts entered my brain. The following is the drivel that said thoughts produced.
I mentioned last week one of the best costumes I’ve ever put on for the season — the Quaker Oatmeal Monster. That one was frightening, and painful, and would take too long to explain again, but suffice it to say that smearing oats on your face makes for quite a sight.
It seems like costumes have become less about terror and more about irony these days. Well, that and general skankiness, anyway. Walk through a Halloween store and check out the options available for ladies: naughty nurse, naughty Goldilocks, naughty maid, and — get this — naughty ladybugs. Of course, there’s always the standards; Grim Reaper, clown, pirate, etc.
What these costumes lack is originality. Sure, they’re prepackaged and available for a modest sum, but with a little effort it’s easy to trump all the standard fare.
Here’s a list of Halloween apparel that I personally think could fill anyone with fright, and the best part is you save a trip to the store.
By the way, Halloween store people, I mean no offense. I assure you, not enough people read my column to greatly affect your sales.
Anyway, here goes the ...
LIST OF REALLY TERRIFYING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES:
• Gordon Ramsey: This is the British chef guy from “Hell’s Kitchen.” All you need is a white chef outfit, a couple of fake knives and a really, really nasty attitude. Walk around with a scowl and swear like a sailor. Say things like this:
“These Snickers bars are absolutely terrible. You are banned from handing out candy.”
“What are you supposed to be, a ninja? That costume looks ridiculous. Go home and cry.”
“Who told you those yard decorations were appropriate? They’re pathetic. You should take them down and be ashamed until Thanksgiving.”
See how easy that is?
• Ann Coulter: I don’t care if you agree with her politics or not, this lady is scary. You need a conservative business suit, heavy makeup and a judgmental nature. If you don’t have one (the judgmental attitude, not the suit), pretend like you do. Ideally the Ann Coulter costume could be paired with the Gordon Ramsey costume, though if you really want it to work, put a woman in the Ramsey gear and a guy in the Coulter suit.
Wait. Don’t do that. That’s a terrible idea.
• Mr. Rogers: I loved “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” as a kid. The most exciting part was when he threw his shoe from one hand to the other; you sat in anticipation every time, waiting for that one episode when HE WOULD DROP THE SHOE! Of course, it never happened, but you never knew.
Get a cardigan, some old-school P.F. Flyer –looking sneakers, and part your hair on the side. Go to each house on your block and say, “Howdy, neighbor. Wanna come to the Land of Make-Believe?” I bet you don’t get any candy at all. The police might get called too. Bonus.
• Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams: Do you really need a description? In fact, you could just wear regular clothes and tell people you were the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams. They probably wouldn’t scream, but they’d laugh. A LOT. A variation would be to tell people you play shortstop for the Washington Nationals. Same result expected.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: Make no mistake — I think Chuck Norris is awesome. But this show was a terrible idea, with terrible plotlines and a really, really bad theme song. Clothing should include a long jacket, Wranglers, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and a really awful fake red beard. The beard should be awful simply to add a sense of panache. Panache, you say? Indeed. Without that you might as well be Garth Brooks, which, come to think of it, might not be bad either.
• The Tooth Decay Fairy: This will take some work. Get a gigantic piece of Styrofoam and shape it into a molar. Prowl the streets with a stack of photos of rotten teeth, tell children the dangers of eating sugar, and give away dental floss. Inform them that if they don’t brush their teeth seven times a day you’ll come to their bedroom while they sleep and take their teeth — forcibly — from their mouths. Their parents will thank you.
Wait. No they won’t. They’ll curse you for months because their kids are trying to stay awake and compulsively flossing for hours at a time.
Okay, this is a short list, but one that promises results. Whatever you choose for your Halloween gear, have fun and be careful.
Oh … if anyone wants info on the Quaker Oatmeal Monster, email me. I’ll give you the recipe.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.