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Tuesday
March 16, 2010 Since 1922 |
TV sports guys, just button up
By Jim Finley
Contributor Published September 18, 2009 Like most Americans, I like to watch a good football game on TV. I just know more about football than you do, that’s all.
The one thing that drives me bananas and makes the game much less enjoyable, however, are those “color commentators” who would rather talk about themselves than the people they’re covering. Often with encouragement from the Main Announcer.
I don’t want to hear about them. I want to hear about Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford. Or whoever else the heck is playing.
But they just can’t help themselves. They’re living in the past, and they want to make sure that you, The Viewer, know who they are and how great they were “in their day.”
I don’t want to hear it.
How anyone could ramble on and on about himself or herself is beyond me. I could never do that.
For you non-sports fans, I urge you to stick with me here. I’m about to show you what these jelly doughnuts do. This will even make you mad, and, knowing you, you couldn’t care less if the Florida Marlins beat the Oakland Raiders in the NBA Finals.
Let me set this up for you.
The UTexas Longhorns are set to meet the Oklahoma Sooners in one of college football’s premier rivalries. The game is being televised by ABCESPNCBS-TV. (Notre Dame is playing somebody on NBC.)
From the pressbox, this is what we hear:
“Welcome, sports fans, this is Brent Hamburger welcoming you to the Cotton Bowl for the annual Red River Shootout between the UTexas Longhorns and the Oklahoma Sooners. What a rivalry!
“To start, let’s get a sideline report from Pyle Dolt, who we all know was a four-time All-American quarterback for the Clinton A&M Giraffes. Pyle is brilliant when it comes to football [although we don’t want to look at his GPA during the seven years he was at Clinton A&M]. Come in, Pyle.”
PYLE: Thanks, Brent. This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, a match featuring two of America’s great quarterbacks, the Longhorns’ Colt McCoy and the Sooners’ Sam Bradford. Being a former four-time All-American quarterback myself, I can hardly wait.
BRENT: As a former four-time All-American quarterback yourself, Pyle, what’s going through these kids’ minds right now.
PYLE: They’re thinking about avoiding mistakes, like I did with the Giraffes. Avoiding bad plays and keeping their teams focused on the business of winning, like I did.
BRENT: But that’s hard when it’s a big rivalry, isn’t it, Pyle?
PYLE: Well, your heart is pumping faster than normal. I remember when I quarterbacked the Giraffes to four straight wins over our arch-rivals, the Maine School of Theology and Cosmetology Fighting Grapes. Because I was, well, me, I settled everyone down.
BRENT: One thing for sure, these quarterbacks are talented. As a former four-time All-American quarterback, size up the two quarterbacks we’ll see today.
PYLE: OK. Colt is more mobile, but Sam may be the better passer. I was a combination of these two, if you remember.
BRENT: Sure do, Pyle. Who could forget your comeback win over North Dakota Northeast Central Presbyterian Oceanography College?
PYLE: One of a bevy of great games I recall, Brent.
BRENT: Like Texas’ Mack Brown and OU’s Bob Stoops, you, too, had a great coach, Pyle.
PYLE: As good as Mack and Bob are, I played for the greatest coach ever, Knute Lombardi. He lived for big games.
BRENT: Knute relied on you a lot, didn’t he?
PYLE: Yes, he did. I had final say-so on the game plan.
BRENT: Well, everyone’s fired up. The cheerleaders have them going.
PYLE: Cheerleaders play a key role. Remember I married the Giraffes’ head cheerleader, the luscious Lois Lipps. We now have four beautiful babies.
ME: Just shut up and play!
Contributor Published September 18, 2009 Like most Americans, I like to watch a good football game on TV. I just know more about football than you do, that’s all.
The one thing that drives me bananas and makes the game much less enjoyable, however, are those “color commentators” who would rather talk about themselves than the people they’re covering. Often with encouragement from the Main Announcer.
I don’t want to hear about them. I want to hear about Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford. Or whoever else the heck is playing.
But they just can’t help themselves. They’re living in the past, and they want to make sure that you, The Viewer, know who they are and how great they were “in their day.”
I don’t want to hear it.
How anyone could ramble on and on about himself or herself is beyond me. I could never do that.
For you non-sports fans, I urge you to stick with me here. I’m about to show you what these jelly doughnuts do. This will even make you mad, and, knowing you, you couldn’t care less if the Florida Marlins beat the Oakland Raiders in the NBA Finals.
Let me set this up for you.
The UTexas Longhorns are set to meet the Oklahoma Sooners in one of college football’s premier rivalries. The game is being televised by ABCESPNCBS-TV. (Notre Dame is playing somebody on NBC.)
From the pressbox, this is what we hear:
“Welcome, sports fans, this is Brent Hamburger welcoming you to the Cotton Bowl for the annual Red River Shootout between the UTexas Longhorns and the Oklahoma Sooners. What a rivalry!
“To start, let’s get a sideline report from Pyle Dolt, who we all know was a four-time All-American quarterback for the Clinton A&M Giraffes. Pyle is brilliant when it comes to football [although we don’t want to look at his GPA during the seven years he was at Clinton A&M]. Come in, Pyle.”
PYLE: Thanks, Brent. This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, a match featuring two of America’s great quarterbacks, the Longhorns’ Colt McCoy and the Sooners’ Sam Bradford. Being a former four-time All-American quarterback myself, I can hardly wait.
BRENT: As a former four-time All-American quarterback yourself, Pyle, what’s going through these kids’ minds right now.
PYLE: They’re thinking about avoiding mistakes, like I did with the Giraffes. Avoiding bad plays and keeping their teams focused on the business of winning, like I did.
BRENT: But that’s hard when it’s a big rivalry, isn’t it, Pyle?
PYLE: Well, your heart is pumping faster than normal. I remember when I quarterbacked the Giraffes to four straight wins over our arch-rivals, the Maine School of Theology and Cosmetology Fighting Grapes. Because I was, well, me, I settled everyone down.
BRENT: One thing for sure, these quarterbacks are talented. As a former four-time All-American quarterback, size up the two quarterbacks we’ll see today.
PYLE: OK. Colt is more mobile, but Sam may be the better passer. I was a combination of these two, if you remember.
BRENT: Sure do, Pyle. Who could forget your comeback win over North Dakota Northeast Central Presbyterian Oceanography College?
PYLE: One of a bevy of great games I recall, Brent.
BRENT: Like Texas’ Mack Brown and OU’s Bob Stoops, you, too, had a great coach, Pyle.
PYLE: As good as Mack and Bob are, I played for the greatest coach ever, Knute Lombardi. He lived for big games.
BRENT: Knute relied on you a lot, didn’t he?
PYLE: Yes, he did. I had final say-so on the game plan.
BRENT: Well, everyone’s fired up. The cheerleaders have them going.
PYLE: Cheerleaders play a key role. Remember I married the Giraffes’ head cheerleader, the luscious Lois Lipps. We now have four beautiful babies.
ME: Just shut up and play!