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Saturday
March 20, 2010 Since 1922 |
How tabloids stay in business
By Luke Hales
— Benjamin Franklin
“It helps if the other guy’s dead too. Just sayin’.”
— Me
I miss the Weekly World News.
If you’ve ever been grocery shopping, you know what I’m talking about. Among all the other high-gloss celebrity tell-alls next to the checkout lane was this one black and white piece of journalistic glory.
The reporters for this fine newspaper were on the ball, too. They had the scoop on stories no one else thought to cover. In their years on the racks they followed the bittersweet struggles of The Bat Boy, the wretched half-human, half-flying rodent whose very existence was an abomination to our culture. They found secret predictions from Nostradamus that could help you lose weight, or at least prepare for the imminent comet strike. They had the secret to picking the winning lottery numbers, but you had to do the mathematical formula just right or it wouldn’t work. Practice makes perfect, right?
But here’s why I loved the Weekly World News. They would occasionally print some smear about a celebrity, but it was so obviously not true that you couldn’t help but laugh. I mean really, Barbra Streisand is an alien?
Okay, that one’s true, but how about Clint Eastwood being a secret government agent in the fight against the underground mole people?
Here’s the point: These fine “journalists” trafficked in satire, albeit lowbrow stuff. Take a look at the other magazines on the rack; each and every one of them blatantly makes stuff up about our role models in Hollywood. They airbrush photos, they take quotes out of context, and basically create drama in peoples’ lives.
It can be argued, of course, that such is the caveat of fame, and I tend to agree. It’s not that I disagree with. It’s the fact that these folks pander to the everyday people, convincing them that celebrities have it just as bad as they do.
My last column regarding reality shows touched on this topic, and I’ll say it again. People like two things in their news. First, they like to judge others. Second, they like to rubberneck in other peoples’ train-wrecks.
Why is this? I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that it’s been that way since man decided to make up stuff about another man. I can only imagine how that went: I’m sure some poor cavemen had to leave his clan after it was discovered he allegedly didn’t eat meat. Scandalous!
So where am I going with this? I don’t really know, either. I started writing this in a hurry right before deadline, so I’m probably getting a little off topic. Either way, I think this is the right direction, so bear with me.
People love to judge. We do; it’s in our makeup to look at another and chastise them for something. Look! He’s got a weird moustache! Hey, check it out! That lady’s wearing pants that are too tight! Wow! That kid’s face is upside-down!
Hmm… okay, that kid doesn’t need judgment. He needs surgery. But I digress.
We love to gossip. But more than that, we like to lie. We make up stories about people we know, people we love, people we hate, people we’ve heard of once. And why? Because it makes us look better by comparison. Your friend’s cousin’s roommate drinks too much and passed out in front of the police station. This guy you went to school with is part of a top-secret military group that takes out troublesome accountants. It can go on forever.
Unfortunately, though, we don’t usually make up fantastic stuff like that. Instead it’s, “That guy’s a real loser. Don’t hire him,” or “You wouldn’t believe who I heard that woman’s cheating on her husband with,” or “You know that girl who died? Someone told me she was high on cleaning products when she climbed into that lion cage.”
While it might make us feel special, like we know something no one else knows, that we’re the bringers of terrible, disgusting, filthy news, that feeling is fleeting. Moreover, it’s harmful. People’s lives are ruined by rumor, many times without any real basis other than one angry person’s vindictive nature.
Worse is when those rumors are, in fact, based in reality. But most times this stuff comes second-hand, or from one person’s standpoint. There’s three sides to every story: What they said, what the other guy said, and the truth. This tends to be forgotten in favor of some short-lived entertainment.
So why in the world was this on my mind? I have no real idea. I guess I’ve heard a few real whoppers lately, and it really concerned me. We have enough on our plates without having to worry about how we are perceived. More importantly, we have more to do than to worry about what others think. And, most importantly, we have enough to keep us busy without airing out others’ dirty (or imaginary) laundry.
Besides … the truth is stranger than fiction anyway. You couldn’t make that stuff up if you tried.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.
— Benjamin Franklin
“It helps if the other guy’s dead too. Just sayin’.”
— Me
I miss the Weekly World News.
If you’ve ever been grocery shopping, you know what I’m talking about. Among all the other high-gloss celebrity tell-alls next to the checkout lane was this one black and white piece of journalistic glory.
The reporters for this fine newspaper were on the ball, too. They had the scoop on stories no one else thought to cover. In their years on the racks they followed the bittersweet struggles of The Bat Boy, the wretched half-human, half-flying rodent whose very existence was an abomination to our culture. They found secret predictions from Nostradamus that could help you lose weight, or at least prepare for the imminent comet strike. They had the secret to picking the winning lottery numbers, but you had to do the mathematical formula just right or it wouldn’t work. Practice makes perfect, right?
But here’s why I loved the Weekly World News. They would occasionally print some smear about a celebrity, but it was so obviously not true that you couldn’t help but laugh. I mean really, Barbra Streisand is an alien?
Okay, that one’s true, but how about Clint Eastwood being a secret government agent in the fight against the underground mole people?
Here’s the point: These fine “journalists” trafficked in satire, albeit lowbrow stuff. Take a look at the other magazines on the rack; each and every one of them blatantly makes stuff up about our role models in Hollywood. They airbrush photos, they take quotes out of context, and basically create drama in peoples’ lives.
It can be argued, of course, that such is the caveat of fame, and I tend to agree. It’s not that I disagree with. It’s the fact that these folks pander to the everyday people, convincing them that celebrities have it just as bad as they do.
My last column regarding reality shows touched on this topic, and I’ll say it again. People like two things in their news. First, they like to judge others. Second, they like to rubberneck in other peoples’ train-wrecks.
Why is this? I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that it’s been that way since man decided to make up stuff about another man. I can only imagine how that went: I’m sure some poor cavemen had to leave his clan after it was discovered he allegedly didn’t eat meat. Scandalous!
So where am I going with this? I don’t really know, either. I started writing this in a hurry right before deadline, so I’m probably getting a little off topic. Either way, I think this is the right direction, so bear with me.
People love to judge. We do; it’s in our makeup to look at another and chastise them for something. Look! He’s got a weird moustache! Hey, check it out! That lady’s wearing pants that are too tight! Wow! That kid’s face is upside-down!
Hmm… okay, that kid doesn’t need judgment. He needs surgery. But I digress.
We love to gossip. But more than that, we like to lie. We make up stories about people we know, people we love, people we hate, people we’ve heard of once. And why? Because it makes us look better by comparison. Your friend’s cousin’s roommate drinks too much and passed out in front of the police station. This guy you went to school with is part of a top-secret military group that takes out troublesome accountants. It can go on forever.
Unfortunately, though, we don’t usually make up fantastic stuff like that. Instead it’s, “That guy’s a real loser. Don’t hire him,” or “You wouldn’t believe who I heard that woman’s cheating on her husband with,” or “You know that girl who died? Someone told me she was high on cleaning products when she climbed into that lion cage.”
While it might make us feel special, like we know something no one else knows, that we’re the bringers of terrible, disgusting, filthy news, that feeling is fleeting. Moreover, it’s harmful. People’s lives are ruined by rumor, many times without any real basis other than one angry person’s vindictive nature.
Worse is when those rumors are, in fact, based in reality. But most times this stuff comes second-hand, or from one person’s standpoint. There’s three sides to every story: What they said, what the other guy said, and the truth. This tends to be forgotten in favor of some short-lived entertainment.
So why in the world was this on my mind? I have no real idea. I guess I’ve heard a few real whoppers lately, and it really concerned me. We have enough on our plates without having to worry about how we are perceived. More importantly, we have more to do than to worry about what others think. And, most importantly, we have enough to keep us busy without airing out others’ dirty (or imaginary) laundry.
Besides … the truth is stranger than fiction anyway. You couldn’t make that stuff up if you tried.
Luke Hales is the assistant managing editor for The Baytown Sun.