Forgive me if I feel hurt and slighted to the nth degree. Forgive me if the following again brings tears to my eyes.
Here’s the deal. Wife Margie and I have been together for a long, long time. We’ll be married 59 years sometime in October. I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
Through all these years most people would say we’ve been a good team. We, however, don’t call ourselves a team. We call ourselves a Unit.
So I was totally surprised when Wife Margie started getting mail from famous companies and organizations without the slightest mention of myself personally.
I didn’t notice it so much at first. But later I woke up to the fact she was getting mail from organizations like Citi Reward Cards and it would be addressed only to (Wife) Margie Finley.
You can see the hurt this would cause. Correct?
So over a period of time I began saving those letters. Today I want to mention a few of them, and you tell me what these people are trying to hide from old Jimbo.
I begin by pronouncing that these are all fine companies and organizations. Still, why on Earth I wasn’t included I don’t know.
Take for instance the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW). This is a wonderful organization that does so much for the men and women who have served our nation in our greatest time of need. I’m a major fan. Go, VFW!
To be clear, neither of us is a veteran.
But somehow she is on their mailing list.
In recent months she received two pieces of mail from the VFW. One was a large envelope and the other an even larger package containing Christmas cards, etc. One of them included, and this is true, four nickels – or as I came to learn by my junior year in high school, 20 cents. I’m not sure what we were supposed to do with them.
Feeling guilty about the coins, I put them in the collection basket at St. Joseph Catholic Church. The Big Editor In The Sky will vouch for me here.
But why send their material only to Wife Margie?
Another letter came from Cigna HealthSpring. This was an offer to upgrade Wife Margie’s Medicare benefits. Well, how about mine?
Also, I’m looking here at letters she received from Amerigroup, LifeLine Screening, Sam’s Club, Texas Special Olympics, and American Express, which we’ve BOTH used for about a hundred years.
She also got a letter from Progressive that included a card with her name in capital letters – MARGIE – offering her a good deal on insurance. It was impressive because the letter was personally signed by William Kampt, the marketing general manager. I’m glad William had the time to write, but, again, why just Wife Margie?
The stationary featured a picture of Flo (real name Stephanie Courtney), who stars in the famous Progressive TV commercials. She was wearing her usual white apron.
Flo seems to know her business, but no insurance person I’ve ever dealt with has worn an apron like she does.
Indeed, if I ever walked in to see my man Larry Wilkey at State Farm and he was wearing an apron, I’d bolt out the door.
I will say Progressive ads of late have been on the uptick because they now include Jim Cashman as Jamie. Still, though, Jamie is wearing an apron, and I just don’t get it.
I particularly like the one where Flo and others, all wearing aprons, visit Jamie in his huge mansion and exchange pleasantries with his yummy, tall, drop-dead gorgeous wife and their children.
They’re all stunned to learn about Jamie’s home life and lifestyle.
Of course, I, too, have a drop-dead gorgeous wife, and Jamie and I look a lot alike.
If Wife Margie continues to hear from these well-known outlets, like the old song says, I’m going to sit right down and write myself a letter and pretend it came from one of those groups.
(NON-EDITOR’S NOTE: Since I wrote this jaw-dropping piece, Wife Margie has received letters from Wells Fargo, Habitat for Humanity, and Blue Cross Blue Shield.)
Jim Finley is a retired managing editor of The Sun. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, Attention: Jim Finley.